Elegantly Wasted

One of these days I am going to turn insane. A couple of friends of mine would chuckle at the future tense. They would rather accept it as one of those inevitable things that happen to people like me. But I am going to turn insane and I know it.

It’s the work. Its getting on the last nerve left in me, twisting and turning and playing footsie with it, till I begin to feel like I do not belong to the race of humans anymore.
This never-ending grueling work that has chained me to the wheel of civilization has taken its toll upon my mental health. I am but the cog of the wheel and the day I break away, the wheel I know will move on; perhaps a little slower till the new cog fits in....but it will move on.

Up again this Monday morning, with no mood to leave the warmth of my blanket and embrace the winter chill, I was late. 7:32 never turned up. Was once again packed like a molecule in another train. Met a friend, but she was too busy talking to her boyfriend over the phone to make any kind of intelligent conversation. Sprinted through the station, just in time to catch the bus. Had to sit right at the back. Ugh! Seems like a punishment to me.

Monday morning blues don't seem to have changed anything. Bugging colleagues, irritating bosses and mundane mails that suggest nothing new. Over that, couple of us had to leave the project and that included a good friend of mine and that has added to my misery.

Dunno.....someday things will change. The clouds will move and weather will get warmer when the sun shines on my face, and I will be free!!!

Faces

Today I met Aparna on the train. 11 years ago when she left our school to join another, we had parted as best friends. I still retain the calendars that she used to give me in January every year and the lyrics of the songs that she made transcripts of. I wonder if she remembers the songs we sang together when we performed or the sums that I solved for her homework.

11 years later Aparna is married and cannot recognize me anymore. She stood in the train without a seat complaining about the crowd and the daily drudgery in a dull monotonous voice, about the French lessons she was taking (I wonder why) and as she spoke to another co-passenger she glanced at me. I stared at her, smiling and without blinking, hoping that she would recognize me and she did not respond.

Faces....there is something about faces that torments me. I forget names; but I never forget faces. And then those familiar faces come back to haunt me like a tiny little monster eating into my mind, gnashing its tail and growing bigger by the moment, till the pain is overwhelming and I cannot take it anymore. It’s a curse that I must bear. Faces that I must forget but cannot. Names that I must remember but I cannot. Everyday in the train I meet familiar faces. Faces that shouted out to me in the field during lunchtime in school or stood in a line during the morning assembly or waited with bated breadth before the report card would be given out or stole a moment to grab the forbidden 'jhaalmuri' when the prefects were not looking. I remember all of them....but they never remember me.

I think I gave up the staring game when she got a seat facing her back to me. I wasn't going to let her disappear again. Not my ex-best-friend if ever there was something like that. Besides, the guilt was overwhelming; the guilt of recognition. Went up to her and introduced myself. A tiny flicker of recognition and I knew that she remembered. It was too late. I was about to get off the train and we could not speak anymore. But we parted this time promising to recognize each other again, if the train would permit. I know I shall honour my promise and I live in the hope that she will too.....

Meanings

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and the pressure that tears at your resistance,

courage

Keeping a smile on your face,
When inside you feel like dying,
For the sake of supporting others,

strength

Stopping at nothing,
And doing what's in your heart,
You know is right,
determination

Doing more than is expected,
To make another's life a little more bearable,
Without uttering a single complaint,
compassion

Helping a friend in need,
No matter the time or effort,
To the best of your ability,
loyalty

Giving more than you have,
And expecting nothing
But nothing in return,
selflessness

Holding your head high,
And being the best you know you can be
When life seems to fall apart at your feet,
Facing each difficulty with the confidence
That time will bring you better tomorrows,
And never giving up,
confidence