Monday, April 28, 2008

And all who heard should see them there,

And all should cry, Beware ! Beware !

His flashing eyes, his floating hair !

Weave a circle round him thrice,

And close your eyes with holy dread,

For he on honey-dew hath fed,

And drunk the milk of Paradise.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


Daylight Savings Time it has been argued has many benefits in countries in the northern hemisphere where advanced economy and work conditions demand such an adjustment. Suddenly, you wake up one morning at 7am and realize that its after all only 6am and go back to sleep or worse wake up at 7am to realize that it is 8am and you are horribly late. Over the years, people have got used to it and accepted it. But it is not so in India. In a country which spans across three time zones – literally Manipur is to the east of Bangladesh which is half an hour ahead of us and Gujarat is below Pakistan which is half an hour behind IST – we have shown lethargy akin to inertia in implementing this concept. So what would happen if suddenly one day we implemented DST?

The ruling party would lose the next general election. Minorities would move to Supreme Court crying foul over discrimination because many would have never seen a digital watch in their lifetime. The government would pass a law that by March 31st everyone should buy HMT manufactured DST compliant watches which the CPI(M) would oppose as being as being pro-America. Mamata Banerjee would declare a 24 hour bandh in Kolkata which would be supported by all opposition parties. Meanwhile, Titan would protest over the deal to grant HMT the right to manufacture DST compliant watches. Several MPs would resign and go to jail over the DST contract scam.

When DST would actually be implemented, there would be a grand launch party where Shah Rukh Khan would dance to the songs of his latest movie and say “Kuch aur wish karo, DST karo!” and Amitabh Bachchan would hold a platinum wrist watch in his hands and smile “Do DST ke boondh, zindagi ke liye” The annual Filmfare awards would be held twice a year on DST implementation days which Aamir Khan would not attend because he never believed in such awards while Arundhati Roy and Medha Patkar would stand outside the auditorium and protest that DST would harm the environment. Ekta Kapoor would modify the script of Kasauti Zindagi Ki where Prerna would marry Bajaj in one DST phase and Anurag in the other. Rohit Bal, Neeta Lulla and Sabyasachi Mukherjee would design a DST line of clothes for the next fashion week where Shahid Kapur and Saif Ali Khan would walk the ramp while Kareena Kapoor would cheer from the sidelines. Dev Anand would make a new movie called “Love in DST” starring a 16 year old girl who was born when 6am became 7am.

Our day and night cricket matches would be scheduled by DST and senior cricketers would not play test matches citing injury, while junior captains would declare that only young cricketers whose bodies can adjust to DST will be a part of the team. The hockey and football federations would protest that in addition to giving preferential treatment to cricket, DST was another means to make these sports unpopular. Sania Mirza would be sued for wearing a DST compliant watch sporting the Indian tricolor that would fall from her wrist during a match. Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupati would once again team up to face the challenge of playing under DST circumstances. The Indian Olympic Association would declare that with DST, India is now truly world standard, and therefore demand that ‘pittu’ be made an Olympic sport.

The common man would be totally confused because Doordarshan would forget to adjust the clock as per DST while the private channels would remember. Aaj Tak would interview people about how they felt about DST. Vodafone and Airtel would face a network outage on DST days and nobody would know the time. Anil Ambani would buy a Rs. 10,000crore DST clock that he would install outside his corporate office and name it after Tina. The Mumbai Stock Exchange would lose an hour on DST days and people would howl in distress because they lost crores in a bullish market. Government employees would demand and be granted overtime in winter. The chief agenda in the opposition party’s election manifesto would be to have two new national holidays on DST implementation days.

Well, thank God! No one’s thought of DST as yet!

This piece was inspired during a conversation with the great Oirpus. Not only is this piece dedicated to him, all litigators are requested to contact Oirpus.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Some of our Bollywood techno music is truly inspired. The opening music of the title song in 'Dus' sounds exactly the same as the graph plotter in office.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Bean counting and calorie counting will eventually kill the Bong. I used to love eating my slices of bread with butter and jam on both sides, till I discovered that I was gorging on a heavy duty bread which carried 110 calories per slice while my diet obsessed room mate asked me not to have more than 1000 calories a day! Butter does not find a place in my grocery list anymore, but jam has sneakingly made a place after I decided that I needed an alternative to chocolates. Its jam session all the time these days and as long as I don't know the specific calorie count of what I am eating, I exercise no restraint - pun intended.

Now that chocolate is out of bounds for me, I have been counting the omnipresence of it in my life and suddenly I'm realising that so many things are going to change now!

1. No more chocolate cereal for me - have replaced it with a killer bore of vanilla and almond cereal.

2. Chocolate chip cookies - my best friend when I was
a) Bored
b) Reading a storybook
c) hungry
d) Had nothing to do
e) Depressed
f) Feeling full after a heavy lunch
is now about to give way to lime flavoured nachos. I am already dreading the prospect of getting double depressed by missing the chocolate chips when I am depressed.

3. Chocolate flavoured milk - low fat or plain milk with Bournvita/ hot chocolate/chocolate Horlicks is now going to yield to plain, humble and lowly low fat milk. I cannot think of an alternative right now and that's making me triple depressed.

4. Chocolate cake, pastry and brownies - I don't know how I am going to refuse cake on people's birthdays and play the spoil sport. I don't even know how I am going to sit and watch people eat chocolate cake right in front of me.

5. Chocolate ice cream - I am trying strawberries for the moment. Something healthy and tastes so different from ice cream that it will hopefully help me forget me what ice cream is like. I always detested the shocking pink colour of strawberries but shock therapy is what I am in for at the moment.

6. Chocolate covered doughnuts (sniff sniff! tears) - plain bagels/bread?

7. My favourite bar of chocolate - full milk, full sugar, full fat whatever! - Heaven help me! I really don't know the answer.

I guess you can take chocolate away from me, but you cannot take me very far away from chocolate! Literally, no matter what a store stocks, it always has chocolates. It is impossible to go anywhere without stumbling on some product of chocolate. Even as I speak, I see a chocolate coloured coffee mug right next to me and it is making things more painful than before. As I said, bean counting and calorie counting will kill the Bong someday!

Monday, April 07, 2008

Cool wind in my hair

No Hotel California this one. I have moved into a new room where the heater does not work properly. The previous occupant was a rather "hot" woman who did not need a heater to keep her warm. This coupled with loads of rainfall, temperatures tending to freezing points (aah! I do not understand all the C and F anymore - everything is about how it "feels like") and the fact that I am sleeping on a wooden floor (the people who made this apartment could not afford wall to wall carpets and I cannot afford a bed) has helped me acquire a really hale hearty and healthy cold. I sneeze anytime of the day, my teeth clatter all the time in the cold and I am always shivering and yet I refuse to wear warm clothes because it looks ridiculous when other people around me have started wearing next to nothing clothes. After all, fashion always has a price to pay. This time its in the form of Tylenol.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Table of Content

Back HomeOut Here
Walk on the left side of wings in officeWalk on the right side of the narrow passage in office
Boss yells "Onnesha!@#$ ekhaane aaye"
Me: 'Aaaaaaashchiiii"
JL: Unwayeshea
Me: I'll be rite withya in a moment Jim
Theek achcheAowkay

Nobody asks "how are you" first thing in the morning. Its usually "code ta shesh hoyeche?"
Me: Naa:-((( aaro time laagbe

"Good Morning Unwayeshea. Howeru dewing today"
Me: Guuuud..:-)))))
Lunch - tiffin..Ma ka haath ka khana. sniff sniff!Lunch in cafeteria. Er….does brocolli contain beef? No? then please add it to the topping. Pepperoni is just a cute Italian way of referring to the salt and pepper wala pepper right? Add it by all means!!!
Parties: Coke or Fanta?Parties: White wine or Red wine?
Free cardomom tea from the vending machine. Accompany DJ and SS to the vending machine and yawn while they have coffee.Free french vanilla decaf from the coffee maker or 60 calories per serving hot chocolate which I always have first thing in the morning.
Proxy server blocked: No Yahoo Mail, Rediff Mail…Gmail, Orkut, Rediff Movies, Blogger...
9am: empty office. Nobody around to appreciate your punctuality.8am: everyone deep into work. Gosh! I am late!!!
8pm: sneaking out of office, hoping that nobody will notice.5pm: Bye J :-)))) Have a nyice evening. :-))))
J: Biiii Unwayeshea. Cya tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


I am now mastering the painful art of killing time while pretending to work. I was always great at staring into nothing for hours and hours together. But now the brain must function overtime to invent work that never existed and act like I am very busy doing it. Greater men and women have done it before me and its now my turn to be baptized in fire. I am sitting right next to the person to whom I report daily and it is my job to convince him that by doing nothing in particular, I am actually doing a great job and adding my bit of kinetics towards pulling his company to the next generation of progress. I have had an easy beginning so far, and I suspect he was beginning to regard me as a genius of some sorts. Then, in a moment of carelessness, I slipped and confessed to him that I did not have much to do. Since then, the chips have been down and my image has taken a beating. But the brain will once again rise to the occasion and find avenues for restoring my reputation as the master of deception.