Saturday, May 27, 2006

The meaning of life, the universe and everything

I formally declare my sincerest and most humble respect, admiration and obeisance to all those superlative humanoids (dead or alive, past, present and future included) who have mastered the art of cutting potatoes into perfect cubes of the same size. I have been at it for quite a few years now and this morning as I tried it for the zillionth time, I knew that some are born to cut potatoes, some acquire it and some have potatoes thrown at them.

I have been reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy for the past couple of weeks and the absolute nonsense of it has shocked me to the last bone marrow. Are we Earthlings, as the author claims a part of a huge organic computer commissioned by rats, which are actually the most intelligent race in the Universe?

The author also claims that the art of flying consists of two parts: the first easy one, which is to fall, and the second seriously tough one, which is to miss the ground. Since I have already proven my expertise in the first one, methinks a good way to gain lead over fellow fliers would be to start from the second part.

Further, the author claims that forty-two is the answer to the meaning of the life, the universe and everything. This was the result obtained after a million years of processing done by the greatest computer in the Galaxy (it wasn’t an Earth computer ofcourse) and the answer was so baffling, that nobody knew what the question was. Since death is the reverse of life and the answer lies hidden in the question, I have decided to work on my little question. Describe in 42 different ways, means to assassinate Anwesha Chatterjee.

Now, for reasons unknown to me, this has been bothering me for quite sometime. I surely know that I am not yet famous enough (never stop hoping) to merit an assassination and that murder would fit the bill more, but what if somebody really wanted to kill me.

#1. Easy target: Every morning at a known time, I set out of home. Though the driver drops me to a vantage point, I still have to walk a small distance along the walls of a factory. Somebody/anybody could hide himself in the factory terrace at that time (for a whole 5 minutes I am to be found walking alone) and take a long careful aim. Bang! Crash! Boom and I am gone. Should our predator miss his target, he (I am extremely friendly with women and since the female of the species is deadlier than the male, I make it a point to maintain good relations with them. So the killer’s gotta be male) he could hire an assassin and repeat the exercise in the evening.

#2. When I sit in the bus at a fixed time every morning, my unknown enemy could take another bus (state buses are difficult to highjack I think, but the same cannot be said about private buses) and in classic Abhishekh Bachchan - Yuva style (Yes, stilleto, I agree he is HOT) shoot me. The problem there would be that a lot of witnesses could be found, and since I am sure no son of a minister is going to shoot me, so chances of witnesses turning hostile are highly improbable.

#3. A still more interesting way to kill me would be to wait till I went to the open-air smoking lounge in office. Now, I do not smoke and but our colleagues who do, are gracious enough to allow non-smokers get a breathe of fresh air in the lounge overlooking a lake. The lake has small islands with straw parasols and coconut trees. Our hired assassin could wait and watch in one of those islands, till I come out for a break from work and give me a permanent break.

Thirty-nine far more innovative ways to get myself assassinated were lost along with a little red diary somewhere in the galaxy during leak in a time wrap. I have decided to figure that it is an SEP (Somebody Else’s Problem)


First Rain said...

The HGTTG is the most hilariously nonsensical sensible thing I've come across - and yet I don't seem to be able to finish the book - ah well as it rightly says right in the beginning - DON'T PANIC !

n.g. said...

if there is one book you must read in your lifetime, its hitchhikers. my favourite character is marvin the robot whos perpetually depressed. he's like an analogy of our times, everyone is mechanical and everyone is depressed about what, they dont know.

and dont forget to always carry your towel.

Aparna.G said...

assasins come when u dont expect them..i.e. when u r too preoccupied in self.. I think the best time from an assasins point of view would be - when u r trying to cut potatoes!! or cooking, rather!! :D

How is u??

Akash said...

The assassination attempts you said are bit out of fashion. Nay, nay… can’t excite my imagination. I’ll be extremely angry (of course posthumously) with the assassin if she (yes, she she, I very consciously say so…) dishonors me by choosing such ancient ways to kill me. This is no Jurassic age, pals. We are living in the 21st century; Internet, wireless, iPod, oh…yes most importantly weblogs!! So my love goes for thee if she is a suicide bomber. Emotions are now running high at the thought of thee adorning herself with good dresses, shoes, perfumes; thinking all the way only of me with undivided attention … no matter even if to kill me . Fabulous. But one condition, the bomber should come to kill me, only me, not anybody else. It’d rather be heartbreaking, if the bomber shows up at the site to kill Mr. Hero, misses her target and I, as a bystander, get picked up by sheer luck to go with her arm in arm to heaven. No charity, maam.

Oh yes. Junior AB is HOT. But the hottest is this person. Warning: Open the link at your own risk. In the picture he is with very little attire. Don’t blame me if you are scandalized to death.

BTW, in case you finally succeed in getting yourself assassinated by a kind soul, then please, write one last weblog from heaven as to when we shall observe Anwesha Joyonti. Some dance and music recitals with your garlanded smiling picture at the back of the stage will surely make Tagore envious.

stiletto said...

anwesha, please don't die *sob*

and yes, hot, hot and hot :P

stiletto said...

ps: your word verification thing that you have here - the words that are generated also sound like straight out of hitchhikers!! :)

Anwesha Chatterjee said...

@FR: Heh he, I am sure you haven't read P.G. Wodehouse, that's why you seem to find HGTTG the most hilarious book ever! As far as comedy goes, I always swear by PG! He's the best!!!

@Nish: Righto!!! Big, small, medium..if you ever bump into me, the way to recognise me would the towel I will be using...I carry one ALL THE TIME.

@Aparna: Howz life in Mumbai? Do you cook you managed to do justice to potatoes?

@Akash: Yes..yes..if ever you manage to get assasinated, I pray that 'she' is a really hot woman..after all, we all deserve to die with our share of fun! I trust web services will extend to heaven by the time I die..blogging shall continue unabated.

@Stiletto: **Sniff** - it doesn't get any hotter in hell than this!

Akash said...

Oh. Hot indeed she got to be. You know... blasts, burns, explosives and suchlike stuffs.
BTW, in heaven they already have broadband connection, optical fibre cables, WINDOWS XP and whatnot... all for free .. so yippeeeeee!!!!.....